It's a Girl

No I am most emphatically not expecting nor will I ever be.  Not that there's anything wrong with that it's just that our family has moved onto the next phase at this point.

The adult to child ratio in our household meanwhile has jumped from 2 vs2 to 3vs2 while we host my oldest daughters "twin" from the school exchange program.

She is a very nice girl and both her and my daughter seem to be enjoying her stay with us. I've spent much of the past days since her arrival shuttling them, and on occasion a few other teens, around the city from one place to another for various activities.

It's been busy to say the least and I actually found myself this morning looking forward to a bit more routine of a day at work and most importantly no driving to some far flung place only to sit and be bored out of my skull while the kids have a blast.

In the rain.

In the blustering wind.

Stepping in mud every second step.

It is assuredly spring out there.  While the weather was gorgeous the week before, this one has been very cool and wet.  Everything is turning nice and green but it's made finding activities for two teens (hard to entertain in the first place) difficult to do. There is no go for a walk or go jump on the trampoline to kill a few minutes of boredom.

Teens are after all easily bored and while I expected two to be able to somewhat entertain each other it doesn't quite work like that these days.  Now a days as boredom hits it instantly leads teens in this day and age to gravitate towards their cell-phones.   

I would like her experience in Winnipeg to be a bit more memorable than that although I'm sure it will be even if they aren't entertained every moment of every day.  This trip is after all a first experience for her in many ways.

First trip away from her family, first time travelling westwards of Quebec, first time on a plane, first time in a primarily english speaking population.   Lots of firsts there and I'm sure there are others that I'm forgetting about.

So far we have managed to avoid real homesickness setting in, they are having fun, and she has become much more comfortable in our home after that first nervous evening.

We only have a few more days to go but the one thing that I have come to know for certain over the past few days is that participating in this exchange program has been an experience well worth the costs and efforts put into it.  

Both my daughter and our guest will never forget their mutual trips to one another's home province.  It has also fostered in them a sense of independence and curiosity that I'm sure will help take them on many more adventures in their futures. 

I'm happy to say that as it turns out exchange programs really are a pretty great thing.

One for the Ages

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary with a night out but even better than that a night off from soccer.  We went to a local dinner theatre called Celebrations as a family; this is the first time that the kids have come with us and we all enjoyed the show.

Now Celebrations isn't top class entertainment but it is well done for dinner theatre and while the songs may not be top 40 and the jokes may be a little corny (I think rather intentionally) it's silly kind of fun.  The audience is often asked to participate in various moments throughout the evening and you never know what little thing may happen around you.  

One of the things that they do each night is ask for all of the couples celebrating an anniversary to come on stage for a short slow dance together.   Despite the fact that we were there specifically to celebrate our anniversary my husband was a little reluctant to go up.  Our oldest daughter however was having none of that.  She very enthusiastically pointed us out when the question regarding anniversaries was posed.     

So up we went and danced alongside all the other happy couples.
I noticed something that isn't exactly uncommon for us but it was none the less something I noted.  Before the dance the actors go down the line and ask for names, what anniversary they are celebrating and a short question.

We had the second longest anniversary at 14 years being soundly beaten by a marriage down the line of 52 years. Now that doesn't seem like something to give you pause but in addition to having the second longest anniversary we were also quite clearly the youngest couple on stage.

It's a rather common thing, more often than not while we are the youngest of a group we are also often the couple who has been together the longest and have the oldest kids.

What can I say we married and had kids young, but that is what was right for us.  We've been judged and even berated for the age at which we married and had our children however the older we've gotten the harder it's been for people to do so. 

Seeing the two kind, bright and happy children that we are raising while still happily married 14 years later makes it harder for people to reason that the age at which one marries has anything to do with the success of a marriage.

People still do it however and that's why it bothers me enough to have noticed that we were the youngest couple on stage last night, and that people still appeared to be making assumptions about who we are as people based on numbers.

With the rate of divorce these days it makes me question if this focus on ages has something to do with it.  People seem to be forgetting that it isn't when you get married that matters but who.  Being a specific age has nothing to do with when you find the right person. 

I know people who found the right person in high school  and others who found the right person at the "typical age" and those who didn't find that person until much later in life or until after they had already married once or twice before.  All of these marriages are no more or less valid than anyone else's.  

Marriage is about the people in it nothing else. I've got the right person to dance with and I got lucky enough to find him earlier than most.  

All I can say is happy 14th Anniversary my love, I can't wait for the next one.

A Conversation With the Devil, - Part VI

Tom died that day hit by a tanker truck filled with gasoline, he didn't die in the fire however he died on impact.  The coroner was able to see just how important this was to me and eventually told me why he knew Tom died before the fire started even though he'd clearly been trying to save me some grief.

It having been the first real nice day of spring Tom had been driving with the top down on his car.  When the tanker hit his car without the extra support of the top being up when the windshield buckled it went down and then straight back taking Toms head with it.

5 months after Tom died I gave birth to our babies, a girl, Lillian and a boy, Thomas Jr.  They were both happy healthy children who despite never having met their father seemed to know who he was and loved him anyways. They're both doing quite well with children of their own now.

I suppose it's quite likely that they will be the one to find this story and in the hopes that they won't think any less of me there is one more thing I must add on. There was one more rather unbelievable meeting I had a few months after meeting the devil on the night they were born that finally closed the subject in my mind of whether I'd made the right choice or not.

The night my twins were born I had a different visitor, this one who claimed he was a watcher whatever that means.  He came in the middle of the night a few hours after the babies had been born while I lay in my hospital bed crying for the husband that I had killed.

"hush my child" said a calm comforting voice.

I looked up from the bed startled.  Before me stood a middle-age fairly handsome looking man wearing a preachers collar and suit. "Just leave me alone for awhile I'll be fine" I said sharply not wanting anything to do with him.

"No you won't, not without a little bit of knowledge.  My name is Sariel I am a watcher and I saw the conversation you had with Lucifer."

"you did?" I asked

He nodded "and Lucifer wonders why he" he gestured up "decided to cut off his wings" he sighed "The idiot. Anyways you don't care about that, what Lucifer told you was only partly true" He paused looking at me quizzically as if confused by what he saw in my face.

I was sitting there once again wide eyed and somewhat fearfully, I wasn't sure if I believed him or not about who he was.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to believe him or not but I was quite certain I didn't want to have another conversation with some angel, devil, watcher or whatever kind of other-worldly creature.

"I'm not going to try and make you choose between two ridiculous choices, don't panic we're all good here, ok?" I slowly nodded "I'm just here to give you some information, first of all your husband didn't die in the fire after the accident he was killed instantly...."

"I know that" I said

"Oh" he stared up at the ceiling for a minute before rolling his eyes and muttering "oh well thanks for sharing that bit." he looked back at me "Sometimes they are so inconsiderate"

"They?" I asked not sure I wanted to know the answer.

"The angels, the ones who got to keep their wings." he answered dismissively "You know they are just so smug about it sometimes.  Anyways that's not why I'm here, I'm here to share my knowledge with you." He said the last half of the sentence in a booming authoritative voice that shook the ceiling.

He shrugged "sorry they" he pointed at the ceiling "seem to think that voice is more suitable. Personally I think they're nuts. Ok down to business" He paused again seeming to gather his thoughts.

"Ok so the day you had your little chat with Lucifer your husband was supposed to die. If you had told Lucifer to save your husband he would have but he wouldn't have done quite as neat a job of it as he made it seem he could."

"He still would have been involved in that accident but rather than die instantly he would have been hurt really bad instead. You would have rushed to his side and being upset as you naturally would be you slipped and fell while running to his side."

"That small little slip would have sent you careening down a flight of stairs which in turn caused you to lose those two babies that are now sleeping down the hall, and here's another little tidbit Lucifer left out of his deal it also would have killed you, literally not from grief or whatever but because you would have bled to death."

"wait so I would have died as well?" I said "but the babies he told me they would still have had a chance, was he right about that?"

"oh no, definitely not, what Lucifer told you about soul-bonding and all that crap was kind of true they weren't bonded to their own bodies yet but they were bonded to yours." He looked down thinking for a moment then looked back up at me "Look it's hard to explain maybe we shouldn't get into it. Let me just say that they are your children and without you they couldn't ever be born, ok. "

"ok" I said

"Anyways your husband, Thomas right" I nodded "Good name Thomas, I always liked it. Where was I oh yes Tom, so Tom would have been alive but hurt badly and now he would be living with the death of his wife and children on his conscious as well."

"Eventually he would have gotten just physically well enough to kill himself. Lucifer told you that you didn't want to know what happens to the souls of people who kill themselves and you know what that's the one thing I agree with him on, you don't want to know."

He stopped talking for a minute watching me "you understand what I'm telling you?"

"I think so," I said slowly "you're telling me that I didn't kill my husband that day. That I saved my life and my children's lives instead and" I hesitated "Toms soul."

"hey look at that got it in one." he grinned "well that's all I had to tell you so try to get some rest and enjoy those babies" he turned around to leave the room.

"Wait" I called after him "that's really it, you aren't coming back? He's not coming back?"

"You're scot free sugar, can't say you'll never see me or him again but not in this lifetime." and with that he turned and walked out the door.

I've never seen him or Lucifer since, and I've lived a perfectly ordinary life, in some ways a rather blessed life, it's always been a happy one from that day on at any rate.  I guess when you make the right choice when faced with the devil you're a bit more sure you will make good decisions the rest of your life without worrying about doing the wrong thing.

A Conversation With The Devil - Part V

I stared at the man sitting beside me knowing without a shadow of a doubt that what he was saying was true that he was  here to give me some sort of choice, a choice between the babies I'd always wanted and the man I'd loved since I was 14 years old.

"He's on his way home right now Lucy, driving down the highway, but he may be about to have an accident." He made a small tsk tsk before continuing. "A dreadful accident to be honest.  If he has this accident a big tanker full of gasoline driving towards him might just jackknife right in front of his car."

"See the driver of this particular tanker just got home from a cross country haul and you know what he did? He headed back out without so much as taking a nap before setting off again, poor man is awfully tired."

" What's going to happen if this driver does happen to nod off, hmm, Well that's going to be one hell of a mess" He laughed "For a while anyways then it will all just be ash blowing in the wind."

"Well if this truck driver does happen to nod off unfortunately Tom's going to find himself at the wrong place at the wrong time.  That little car of his won't stand a chance, he'll see it coming and he'll slam on the brakes just not quite fast enough." he continued despite the horror which must have been showing clearly on my face.

"It will be quite terrible, see both his legs will break and he'll be crushed in his car unable to get out but he'll be wide awake, he won't hit his head at all. He will smell the gas he will see it pooling around his little car and he will see the spark that ignites it.  It's really quite awful he will get to see the flesh melt of his own hands before he dies and of course he'll smell it, you know what that smell is like don't you Lucy? I do believe he will also sound pretty much the same way those pigs did."

He stopped talking looking at me as if expecting me to have a coherent and calm answer after what he'd just said to me

"Cat got your tongue?"he asked laughing at his own joke "well ok I'll give you the other side of the coin as it were.  If you choose to give up those two little babies inside you, the same way all the other ones left, the driver of that tanker is going to manage to stay awake for a whole minute longer and Tom won't die that fiery death."

"As for those little ones they'll get another chance with someone else. See their souls they haven't quite bonded all the way yet, they get another chance for a body but Tom doesn't. You understand the choice I'm giving you?" He looked into my eyes, his own now a frightful black, with what seemed to be almost glee. 

Whatever he saw in my eyes seemed to satisfy his question and he said "yeah you get it."

"So what'll it be Lucy your husband's fiery death and the end of his soul or two half-bonded souls able to get another chance, it's up to you." He took off his hat and began absent mindedly pulling bits of fluff off it while he grinned slightly.

I sat in silence for a few more minutes and finally answered him "You can't ask me to decide a thing like that." I couldn't believe how calm I sounded as if he hadn't just described my husband burning to death in his own car.

I looked down at my feet wondering if I was talking to a crazy man or if I was going crazy myself. What he said couldn't possibly be true it was some twisted minds idea of a sick practical joke.

"Why not? It seems quite the simple thing to me, after all Tom saved your soul once didn't he?" my head shot up at once and I found myself looking back into the devil's eyes once again without a shadow of a doubt that it really was the devil I was talking to.

"Oh yes, I know what you almost did after that last time, and you and I both know that it was Tom who saved you." He gently stroked my cheek with his hand and I shuddered gagging a little bit and his grin got even wider. "You don't want to know what happens to a soul when you go and do something like that."

"So save the man who saved you or these non-existent beings?" he waved toward my belly his grin dropped away and he stared at me clearly expecting an answer to his question.  

It was that last comment that made me decide.  It certainly seemed as if Lucifer here had a reason for wanting me to choose Tom and although I still had a small shred of hope that there was no truth to what he was saying I gave him my answer.

"Tom would give up his life for his children, I know he would and besides I don't believe you."  I said it with as much defiance and courage as I could but my voice had shaken on the last word.

"I assure you this is quite real and I have it in my power right now to save your husband." There was anger in his voice and his eyes now seemed to have an almost fiery tinge to them, a glimpse of redness on top of the black. "You will have to live the rest of your life knowing that you killed him that you made it happen"

"I didn't, I won't, I don't have that kind of power, you're insane and I'm leaving" I stood up, so shocked that I was able to stand that I almost fell back again. "You lie!"

"This is your last chance Lucy" he yelled after me as I hurried away "You walk away and our conversation is done and your husband dies" The last was said on a note of panic and at that moment I knew whether what he was saying was true or not that this, walking away from a deal offered by the devil, was the right thing to do.

A Conversation With The Devil - Part IV

The day I met the devil Tom had been on a business trip to Chicago over the previous week and was due back later that night. I had just hit that magic 12 week mark of my pregnancy the first time I'd ever reached it. I'd begun for the first time since we lost that first baby to think that we may actually get through the whole pregnancy and have a baby at the end of it.  
I'd just left the doctor's office on that fateful morning and having gotten some great and encouraging news from her I was on cloud nine.  Not only had she told me everything was going great and she could see no problems but that we were also having a two for one special.  I'd heard not one but two fast little heartbeats that morning. 

Feeling better than I had in years and seeing how it was the first nice spring day of the year I decided rather than head back to work I would take the rest of the afternoon off and go get an ice cream then head home early and make a special dinner for me and Tom.

So that's what I started to do. I grabbed a chocolate brownie crumble cone my absolute favorite and then headed over to the park where I sat down on a bench to enjoy the day and that's when I met him.

"Someone seems to be happy as punch" was the first thing the devil said to me.

I looked over at the man sitting at the other end of my bench and gaped.  Mouth flopping open like a fish out of water I was instantly aware there was something more to this guy than meets the eye.

A cold drip of ice cream on my knee brought me back to reality and I answered him "Yes it's a beautiful day isn't it."

He looked around as if a man in a suit had all the time in the world on a sunny spring Wednesday afternoon and said "That it is, I do so like it when it gets really hot, I'm not a cold weather kind of person"

He looked at me in a up and down sort of fashion not quite leering but with definite thought and deliberation that made me shift uncomfortably on my bench.  "Oh don't worry" he said "I'm not getting any naughty ideas, I do see that ring sparkling away there"

I don't know why but just the way he said it instantly made me feel at ease as if I really did have nothing to fear.  His voice was hypnotic and the more he said the more I wanted to hear.

"Couldn't get away from the office to join his pretty wife for an afternoon ice cream?" he asked

"No he's on a business trip, but he's on his way back home right now.  Maybe we'll go for ice cream again!" I said

He laughed a hearty deep laugh as if I'd said something really funny , it was the kind of laugh that made the people passing by glance our way and smile themselves.  "Well you ice-cream fiend my name is Lucifer what's yours?" His smile suddenly seemed to turn into a sneer and that at ease feeling disappeared to be replaced by an icy cold dread.

"Uhh Lucifer, that's an interesting name...."

"Yes I'm known by a few others but that was my first one, the one given to me up there" he lowered his voice conspiratorially pointing a finger skyward. "by him.  You didn't answer my question though Lucy Marie, that might be considered rude"

I knew my mouth was once again hanging open but I couldn't seem to stop staring at this man who had gone from perfectly pleasant if a little odd to someone I couldn't wait to get away from.  The moment he had said my name I had become filled with a terrible fear and loathing but I now found that I couldn't look away from those bright blue eyes.

As he slid down the bench to sit closer beside me my nose filled with a scent that reminded me of a barn I'd seen burn down as a young child once.  That barn had been filled with pigs and I thought of the squealing sounds they had made and the smell of roasting flesh that had filled the air. I found myself trying desperately to back up only able to scoot to the edge of the bench and lean as far away as I could from him all the while fighting the urge to gag.

I no longer had the appetite for ice cream and he leant over plucking it from my hand "Quite understandable I assure you" he got up from the bench "now don't go anywhere, we've got something to chat about"

He walked across the pathway in front of the bench dropping my now soggy and unappetizing ice cream into the garbage before turning back and giving me a big grin tipping his hat at a passing cyclist.

In that moment I thought to run while he was across the pathway hoping that the action would draw the attention of the people around the park who continued to walk by as if nothing was amiss. Except I couldn't get up, I was stuck so firmly to the bench I may as well have been strapped down and I was about to hear what the devil had to say.

He sat back down beside me my nose once more filling with that terrible scent as he leant back and threw his arm around the back of the bench, I tensed up praying that he didn't touch me that he came no closer as he pulled one leg up onto the other knee my eyes drawn to his red socks flashing in the bright afternoon sun.

"Like them?  I would love to live up to everyone's expectations but unfortunately this is the best I could come up with.  I do after all like to look my best and the whole pitchfork, tail and horns thing has been greatly blown out of proportion."

He leaned over his arm brushing against my back talking to me once again in that conspirators voice "I don't have any horns, or a tail at all never did. I think the rumors started because my wings always stuck out of the bottom of my robes and the tops always came up above my head in little points ."

I was apparently looking rather confused as he continued on "Yes I had wings, see I'm not such a bad guy I've just got a bad reputation." He laughed "Oh silly Lucy did you not know that I'm really an angel?" I made a noise in the back of my throat half laugh half snort scoffing at the idea that the devil could possibly be an angel. 

"Hmm yes fallen angel some would say"  he responded cheerily "but just because I can't get up there anymore" he pointed at the sky again "doesn't change what I am"

He leant back his arm falling away from where it had come in contact with my back and I exhaled in relief not even realizing that I'd been holding my breath. A warm sticky feeling lingered where his arm had been and I could still feel the warmth of his arm a mere inch away from my skin. 

"So you're probably wondering what happened, why I'm not still up there" he rolled his eyes skyward "and what I'm doing sitting on this park bench talking to you" He looked at me eye brows raised the now dark hazel of his eyes holding my own.

"Well long story short I'm down here without wings because a long time ago I decided to start helping people, giving them real choices, real options.  You know that whole idea of free will is not nearly as free as you would imagine, no one ever gives you real choices that matter do they? What to do with your life who to love these aren't such big things you know." He'd lowered his voice and had begun to sound as if he were sharing the secret of life with me "now deciding who lives and who dies there's something that matters to the world huh"

He nodded more to himself I think than to me.

"Well what I do is I give people that choice from time to time, very special people who have had lots of troubles, and you've had a few haven't you Lucy, you and Tom. Some of the other angels don't think that you people should have any say in these kind of matters but I do"

He reached over and patted the very slight mound where my twins lay and I felt a sudden stirring in my belly as if something had retreated from that touch.
"See now the choice I'm giving you concerns these two little guys very much" he said patting once again before moving his hand back over to his own knee.

"It involves Tom too unfortunately and this is where things might get a little sticky." He looked at me almost apologetically "See you have a choice, them or him."